How did I end up thinking and writing about such a topic? What is the story behind the texts you're seeing on this site?
Well, ever since I can remember, I have always been aware of it. I have always had these thoughts, but of course not in the way, that I was able to write and talk about it, like I am now. What I mean is, I have always had a kind of directedness that has directed my mind towards it. How that came to be; I can't tell. There's no specific event I can point to. But, if I had to guess, I'd say it is a combination of primarily 2 things.
- First is, the 'instict'
- second is, that I grew up watching a lot of scientific shows together with my mom in the mornings, and often also alone. In these shows, everyone is talking about the importance of science and how it makes the modern world as great as it is. They are saying everything with extreme confidence and their concensus seems to be, that humanity has finally found its way: That we have found a fundamental truth, that never can be bettered.
Because of their confidence, and the support they get from parents and teachers, I thought that mastering this truth, is what being human is all about.
So, the combination of those 2, made me feel like I had a role to fill out, but because of reason 1, it wasn't just a role I felt blindly obligated to follow, it also made a lot of sense to me. It made sense because I equated my natural directedness towards things, and how they work, to me being a part of humanity. Evolutionary, I just thought it is what set us apart from other species. So, I thought that everyone was 'minded' the same way that I was. Which meant, that I went around confused, thinking everyone was trying to master this fundamental truth as if it was some kind of divine purpose. In general, I had an extreme sense of loyality, despite not really getting it yet. I would feel a deep sense of shame if I showed someone that I didn't really get it.
What I didn't get is NOT the WHY, but HOW the fundamental truth was so important. I understood that it was great because of the innovations / technologies that comes with it. I have never had any doubts about that, of course innovation is amazing. But I didn't understand how this fundamental truth of science could lead to a level of innovation worthy of such praise, that it is to never be questioned on, whether or not, it really is a fundamental truth. Or maybe I just didn't understand it. But there was one thing that I knew for certain; If the mathematics is so great, that the scientists can talk so greatly about it as they do, no one whom is a master of this truth would be as 'baffled' or 'mindblown' about great ideas, as they actually are. Unless, mastering this fundamental truth also means understanding that perfect thought simply isn't possible. But, this is where my 'instict' takes over, and I get into real trouble with following along by playing my role, and my loyality shifts. Because, I never understood how that wouldn't be possible. I've never seen getting ideas / thinking as more than simply just knowing what you want, figure out a path to get there, and then realize when you are there. We do that all the time, why wouldn't it be possible to replicate this over and over again? Isn't that what science is all about, after all? Anyway, it took a while for my loyality to fade out, since I gave them a big timespan to convince me due to the fact that I wasn't very confident in myself.
During this period, I was stressed quite a lot and very affected by cognitive dissonance. I couldn't sleep properly and I couldn't engange fully with the topics in school. I reached a point where I would just sit in my place, hear the sound of the words spoken by the teacher, but not seeing the thoughts behind the words, even though I still had a somewhat religious commitment to the topic. So, I dropped out of highschool. It felt awful, like I was on a path to some kind of hell, but at the same time, a relief. I finally had the time and calm I needed to lower the severity of the dissonance. But, I went back and fourth some times over a couple of years, and during that time, I managed to get into highschool again, but drop out an additional 2 times, making it 3 times total.
After the 3rd time, I had grown enough confidence to take a more decissive 'leap of faith'. I finally had enough faith in my own 'instict', that I was able to put my full attention to it. I bought notebooks and started to write down my thoughts and develope them. Which was very good for me. But, after some time with this, I had my last doubt. During it, I started worrying, whether or not, the reason why I couldn't understand the fundamental truth of mathematics was because I was psychotic and therefore not able to make sense of it. Concerned, I got fixated on my own thoughts, how they 'move', and their content. I would just sit most of the day, mostly listening to music and just 'stare' into my own mind, so to speak. After a while with this, I felt like I had gained a very clear overview of my mind. I felt like I could explain every thought, what it is and how it arised.
But, in-between that and the start of getting fixated on my thoughts, I got diagnosed with aspergers syndrome. Getting the diagnosis meant that I no longer equated my natural directedness / instict as being part of humanity, and I no longer felt that I had missed something everyone else somehow just had gotten. My doubts had dissapeared and I no longer felt any cognitive dissonance.
I applied for a school-program for autistic inviduals, which I got accepted into. I then started my 4th attempt at high-school. I was very aware that it was my 4th time, and for that, I felt greatful for my acceptance into the program. However, after all the thinking I have done, I have convinced myself that it is possible to make something that knows all and thinks perfectly, and since it is a topic that is not even touched on in school, it felt meaningless. Because, why should I spend so much time and effort into something that completely talks around the only thing I really care about. Despite that, I knew that the range of subjects is much bigger in university than in highschool, and since high school is key to get into university, and university is my biggest chance of getting to do what I love for a living, I found my only motivation there. But, I still had to plow through 3 years of occupying my headspace with something that doesn't help me find an answer to the question. And even if I succeeded, I'm not even sure what to expect at university.
So, I tried to plow through this meaninglessness
The combination of finally having a clear mind and an answer to my whole life experience that is quite intervowen with this thought-track, made me sure that I at least wasn't dumb for
- not a 'pattern'
- intervowen 'event' - aspergers.
- during this, importtant milestones...
After all, whenever someone gets a great idea, everyone in the world is amazed and some even 'baffled' and 'mindblown'
-- The why it matters, is because of innovation..