Worries behind the scenes, so to speak, a lot has been going on in my mind. Among other things, I am currently writing a book, or at least, I am writing as if my writings were meant for a book, which really helps me to get an overview over everything related to my thoughts and it helps me formulate them a great deal (I have found much better formulations than what is shown on this site, which I wish to implement at some point). Furthermore, I spend a lot of time worrying about my future. I have already dropped out of school 4 times, I have some horrible horrible horrible sleep problems and the mere thought of any occupation other than something relevant to the topics of this site, seems as difficult to follow through as pointlessly jamming a knife into my hand.
Whatever I can do to help myself achieve an existence, where I peacefully can be occupied with these topics, feels like sabotage to myself instead. If I go to someone for help, I'd have to present my ideas to them, which in itself is actually what I'd like to happen, but the current formulations of my ideas feels unprecise and unconcise, which makes me worried that I will tarnish my name and cause them to ignore any later and improved versions, simply from seeing my name. Additionally, there is the chance that my ideas will be plagiarized and because of my quite taboo status, any claim that someone has stolen my ideas seems indefensible.
On the contrary, if I don't seek help from anyone, then I risk someone else going official with identical ideas before me. I believe my ideas could do much good in the world and in that sense, it would not be that bad overall. But, being recognized as the originator is important in order to get a ticket to the only occupation I can imagine myself doing.
Not getting any help would also mean that I'd have to try to live with the great uncertainty of whether or not my ideas even have a place to be received and/or whether or not I am unintentionally plagiarizing others myself. In the introduction, I say that all the ideas on here are my own because they are. But that doesn't necessarily mean I would have come up with them if I had grown up in a dark isolated basement. Of course not. My point is; in reality, while growing up, I have been influenced by education, tv-programmes, the internet ETC, and obviously I can't remember everything I have been told as a child or the things I've read when I was desperately and somewhat panicky searching for an answer to everything. My only remedy to the anxiety caused by these uncertainties is to remind myself that despite my intrinsic directedness towards the philosophies I write about here, I have only very rarely come across anything that fits the topics and they mostly just mention it fleetingly. Even in school, where we are supposed to be taught about the most important topics.